Silence of the lambs.

I wish I knew what to write. I feel like this would be a good outlet for everything I have bottled up inside but things just don't come out like I would like them to. I wish things would be clearer. I wish I had some kind of support system that I could always count on, I've tried a million times to stumble upon one, sneak into one and even build one but it really never goes through. I wish I had that person that you can call when you're the slightest irritated to vent or when something, anything, happens and you just have to tell them so you don't have millions of things to tell before you go to sleep. I wish I could have kept you as mine maybe even just part time. I don't ask for all day or full time or even publicity just between us would be enough. I didn't think it would before but I was prideful I thought like everyone else I could find better, I could find full time but I anticipated myself into dreams and expectations that never came true on the complete opposite they faded away and now I find myself with nothing. I wish I could cry, fall on my knees I wish I could lie and mourn a memory I'll never see. I find myself starving and begging for crumbs, crumbs that seemed so small before. At least they satisfied me for a second I felt full for a split second. I felt happy at least for a few seconds, I know its not long but now it seems like enough, it seems like forever. I fed on memories for a while but those are gone too, I wish my brain was stronger and smarter. I wish I had better memory and a better recall of details so I could go back to them whenever. They're fading away, I'm starving and have no sight of any crumbs anywhere near. No promises or prospects, no maybes or part times. Just hope, an air of hope that I still hold on to. Its stupid but I have nothing else to hold on to, if I let go I don't know what it would be of me. I use to think there was nothing wrong with me and that it had to happen for me like it happens for everyone else on a monthly basis but it didn't. I really thought it would for some reason i thought one day, maybe i would be the one to be picked over someone else or something but its my own fault. I go in fighting I go all in I try my hardest and I give all of me. I think it through and try different approaches but at the end its never me. I've explored every possibility. And I guess in a way I've had had it just never fully or for the right reasons. I had it with you but it was only real for me, sometimes I think that was enough for me that I had enough for both of us and maybe that was my job just be there. I m tired of temping though I haven't temp in a while, haven't had any new assignments. I guess I feel useful and needed. It hurts to think back when I was overflowing with emotion and feelings for you and all I could see in your eyes was nothing...it was like I could see it in your eyes that I was nothing to you even though I always knew it deep down inside really not that deep. It hurt when I told you I loved you and that I couldn't help it, I couldn't fight it anymore, I couldn't see you anymore and all you could say was ok and walked me to the door. I realized how little I meant to you. I felt so small and stupid. I don't know if I regret it to be honest. A part of me does, a part of me wishes I could been stronger and just dealt with it at least I could had those stable crumbs. Do you know how it is to control yourself and your emotions and your heart whenever they go crazy for you. It's hard to maintain composure and fake indifference. Do you know how hard it is to keep a smile on my face when you talk about someone else. Do you know how much I beat myself up for that last kiss for not being able to control my body. I had no control over my hand grabbing your face, I had no control over my eyes taking yours in, I had no control over my lips kissing you so deeply and with so much intensity. Those 2 seconds were a complete reflex of my body. I went from very happy to oh shit in 2 seconds. What did I just do, you messed everything up. I saw the look in your face after that kiss, I saw it there. You were overwhelmed with how much feeling I had. And I could tell you didn't like it. You ran and I feel like that was the last time I would see you. You told me you had to meet someone else, it was like a stab in the heart but it always was. I was mad at myself for dropping my plans after hearing from you, for getting ready and changing outfits five times when all we were supposed to do were errands. I was mad at myself for practicing in my head what I would say all day and how I would act. I thought of funny things to say maybe and I was gonna play it cool because I missed you, just you. Funny thing is that the thought of kissing you wasn't even in my head, really.. You caught me off guard, my body took advantage of the opportunity and I lost control. I shouldn't had. My heart sank after it happened and you ran. When I got ready, I cooked, I pep talked me into keeping it cool, I was looking forward to a fun day with a friend. Then it happened and I realized I was an idiot, there was no fun day ahead. Everything that you wanted was done. I felt so unimportant, so small. And I felt like it was my fault, why did I have to lose control why couldn't my body keep it cool like my mind. I would take it back if it wasn't the last memory I have. I've come to realize I feel bad when I care for you so much, it hurts.